Brother? No Brother...

All these years I felt I've been good...

All this time I thought we had a special bond...

All these years I've felt I've made a contribution to your life...

All this time I've thought I mattered to you, in one way or another...

But in the end, I realize it's all been in my head.

In the end, I realize I've probably made no contribution in your life.

In the end, I don't think I even mattered.

My existence in your life probably didn't matter.

I probably failed as a big brother...

I probably did.

Brother? No Brother...

I am tired

I'm tired of being the guy everyone wants me to be...

I'm turd of being the guy my family wants me to be...

I'm tired of being the guy you want me to be...

I'm tired of being the guy they want me to be...

Have I not got opinions of my own anymore?
Have I not got a say in how I should behave and act anymore?

Do I just have to do what everyone else deems the right way to behave and act only?
Do I just have to do what the world expects me to do?

Am I not allowed to be who I want to be?
AM I not allowed to have fun when I want to?
AM I supposed to only think of what everyone will think always?

I am tired...

A multipurpose cushion

What's a multipurpose cushion?

Something you need when you sleep at night...

Something you want to hold on to when you feel alone...

Something that makes you feel secure...

Something that makes you feel comfortable...

Something that holds you in place when you feel you need support...

Something you'll punch when you are angry...

Something you'll throw around when you feel frustrated...

Something you'll bang against the wall and throw away when you want to be left alone...

Something you'll punch and hit and tear when you're agitated...

Something you never want to share with anyone else...

Something that you want to keep just for yourself for the years to come...

Something that will always be there waiting for you to pick it up and hold again...

Something that is always inanimate and won't talk back or talk at all.

Can a multipurpose cushion just be a non-living thing?

NO.

A multipurpose cushion...

Like a Volcano

I here you out, but you don't give me a chance to speak out.

I listen to what you feel, but I hold back what I feel.

You vent out about all that you have.
You shout out and hit out whatever frustration you have, but I'm supposed to not.

You have loads to say, but I don't.

You have lots of reasons, but I don't.

You get super angry, but I'm not allowed to.

You get unreasonable, but I'm not allowed to.

You say what you want and when you want, but I'm always wrong.

I may be right, I may be wrong.
I may have reasons, I may not.
I may want to yell and shout, I may not.
I may need the opportunity to speak out, I may not.

All I'm afraid of, is that one day I'm going to blow...

Like a Volcano...

Do I love you?

When I am alone, do I think of you?

When I am with people, do I think of you?

When I am happy, do I think of you?

When I am sad, do I think of you?

When I am angry, do I think of you?

When I am frustrated, do I think of you?

When I am excited, do I think of you?

When I am upset, do I think of you?

When I need a shoulder, do I think of you?

When I want to cry, do I think of you?

When I need someone to talk to, do I think of you?

When I crave something, do I think of you?

When I love some food, do I think of you?

When I feel like going shopping, do I think of you?

When I feel sexy, do I think of you?

When I feel anything, do I think of you?

When I sleep at night, do I think of you?

When I look at my future, do I think of you?

When I look at my life ahead, do I think of you?

Now tell me…What do you think?

Do I love you?

So much to do

There is:
So much to say.
So much to hear.
So much to want.
So much to give.
So much to love.
So much to hate.
So much to think.
So much to ignore.
So much to feel.
So much to resent.
So much to consider.
So much to overlook.

There is:
So much I want to explain myself.
So much I want to be understood.
So much I want to show you.
So much I want to love.
So much I want to give.
So much I want to say.

But I am at a loss.

So much to do...

Its a mess

You want something.

You don't want something.

You like something.

You don't like something.

You choose one thing.

You don't want to choose one thing.

You know everything.

You don't know everything.

You have explanations for everything.

You don't have explanations for everything.

You are playing games with me and my mind.
You are not playing games with me and my mind.

You realise what's happening.

You don't realise what's happening.

You know the future.

You don't know the future.

You want to listen to what I have to say.

You don't want to listen to what I have to say.

You think you are clear.

You don't think you are clear.

Its all a chaos. Its all a jumble. Its all unclear. Its all vague. Its not a game. Its not a mind game.

Its a mess...

The voice in my head

I'm an idiot.

I'm a fool.

I'm stupid.

For never having listened to the voice in my head.

I always had one.
I always knew what I wanted to say.
I always knew what the voice said.
I always knew that the voice in my head was correct.
I always knew that there were some things that I was capable of.
I always knew there were some things that people just didn't get right.

The voice told me to convince people they were wrong.
But the voice also always told me it was useless.
The voice told me to explain myself correctly.
But I never chose to listen to it entirely.

If only I listened to the voices in my head, people around me including myself would have been happier; Things would have been different; Everyone would have clarity about everything; There would no longer be any unnecessary complications.

The voice in my head...

New Year's Resolutions...

This is something we all come up with every year.
Its a way or a reason for us to start realising what our wishes and thoughts are...

We start straining our minds and hearts trying to find out what it is that we want to do this entire year...

There will be things like:
I will eat healthy...
I will start exercising...
I will spend more time with my loved ones...
I will spare time for my hobbies...
I will start cooking good food...
I will start saving every penny possible for travel and for my dreams...
I will learn how to express myself better...
I will work on the important things in my life...
I will write more on my blog...
Etc etc and etc...

How much of this do we remember beyond the first week of the year? I'm guessing not much...

Do we want to do all these things? Or are they just musings?

Let me see how much I will be able to keep up with...

New Year's Resolutions...